(I’ve been trying to write a piece about my current feelings on the Tech Industry, but it’s turned from a simple bullet list into a writhing ball of snakes, so instead here’s a bunch of swearing.)

Douche.
Douchebag.
Douchenugget.
Douchecanoe.
Megadouche.

Douche is my absolute favorite insult in the English language. I don’t think it’s the strongest, or the most broadly appropriate, but it’s definitely the one I relish using the most.

Have you ever noticed how many common English insults are just words for body parts? Dick, cunt, asshole, etc. I use these words with abandon (except for pussy, because it’s fucking ridiculous that female genitalia is a synonym for weak), because they’re all valid insults that communicate specific kinds of unpleasant behavior.

And yet, the original meanings of these word are things I’m quite fond of. Body parts? Yay! Sexual body parts? Extra yay! So I’ll call someone an ass if they’re acting like – well, like an ass – but I’ll always feel weird about it because actual asses are pretty great.

But douche! Doooouuuuuche.

Douches are a capitalist scheme to part women from their money. They’re pointless, harmful, and designed to take women’s cash at the expense of their self esteem. These days they exist solely to solve a problem that is entirely made up – the problem of “vaginal freshness.”

Well NEWS FLASH – vaginas are self-cleaning, they don’t need no chemicals sprayed all up in there to be “fresh.” The idea that the natural state of a cunt is gross and unhygienic is just another way to make women feel bad about their bodies and their sexuality.

And if purposefully making women feel unclean wasn’t enough, douching has been linked to all kinds of vaginal health problems, because it’s basically sending a big ol’ flood through a delicately balanced ecosystem of bacteria and protective mucous linings. Douching brings increased risks of everything from bacterial vaginosis to cervical cancer. It also makes it more likely you’ll contract an STD.

By the way, before there was such a thing as “feeling fresh,” douches were used as a primitive form of birth control. Before the advent of The Pill in 1960, the most popular brand of douche on the American market was an antiseptic soap formula made by Lysol.

If the thought of a Lysol product going anywhere near your vagina makes you cringe, then you’re a smart cookie – the Lysol douches were linked with poisoning and death. Oh, and they didn’t do much to help you prevent pregnancy either, yet they continued to be aggressively marketed to women as a way to save their marriage.

In conclusion, douches are the worst.

So if you ever hear me call someone a douche, know that I mean it in the fullest possible sense.